I haven’t wanted to talk about it much on the blog—much at all, actually, because it’s been so hard—but in November, Jeff and I said goodbye our sweet Boston terrier, Tippy. She had congestive heart failure which took a turn for the worse, and just when it looked like she would stabilize, out of nowhere, she started having full-body seizures that left her exhausted, confused, and limp as a washcloth.
She couldn’t get many diagnostic tests, as she couldn’t tolerate anesthesia. Given her age and breed, though, the vets guessed that she had a brain tumor and recommended euthanasia. Sick with the thought of losing our girl, but equally sick about her suffering, after multiple consultations and two rounds of hospitalization, we put her to sleep on November 5th. Then, in a total sucker-punch, an autopsy revealed that she’d had a potentially treatable chronic bacterial meningitis. As you can imagine, my husband and I were both devastated.
Still, I wasn’t expecting her loss to hit me so hard. After all, she was “just” a dog. However, it turns out she was so much more.
She was family.
My husband and I don’t have children, so Tippy was the anchor for our little household. She was even a “flower girl” (see the picture above) at our wedding. We didn’t realize it, but our daily routines had grown out of caring for her needs, and her heart was inextricably intertwined with ours. So when she left, there was a gaping hole in her wake: a cold, stark absence where once there had been warmth and cuddles and wet Boston terrier kisses. I was utterly unprepared for a life devoid of the blessings and affection I had all too often taken for granted for 11 wonderful years, since I brought Tippy home as a precious, 3-pound puppy.
I probably shouldn’t admit this, but for weeks after her death, I couldn’t walk in the front door without weeping. Even more embarrassing, for the first week after her passing, I couldn’t bear to be in the house alone, period. I’m a sensitive soul, and reminders of her loss—the empty place where her bed used to be, constantly “seeing” the shadow of her trotting around the corner to greet me, only to realize it was just me—were simply too much to bear.
Unfortunately, to cope with the grief and despair, I ate.
And ate, and ate.
Sadly, I wasn’t making good choices. I ate things I wouldn’t normally dream of—doughnuts and chocolate bars, anything to comfort and distract. As you can imagine, I put on weight, my breast pain came roaring back, and I started getting monthly cramps again (which I hadn’t had since being low-fat and plant-based).
To make things even more challenging, just as we got through the holidays and life felt as though it might return to normal, last week my mom slipped and fell on a patch of snow-covered ice and fractured her ankle (in a parking lot at 5:30 am while opening the polls for a local special election—she is an overachiever)! So for the last week, I’ve been staying with my parents to get her back on her feet.
Luckily, thanks to a daily green smoothie, healthy plant-based meals, and much care on her part, she’s doing swimmingly. (Although she’d like to be better yesterday, thankyouverymuch.) I get the feeling she’ll be back to her 2-hour water aerobics routine in no time!
In the meantime, though, I’m still struggling to right my ship. My dad likes his treats, so my parents’ house is stocked up on trigger foods (cookies galore!). And whereas my dad has excellent self control, I’m having trouble steering clear. I can’t really blame others, though: Even when running errands, I’m struggling to make good choices. I just want to feel better, pronto.
Now, I know I’ve written about emotional eating before, but I obviously need some new strategies.
So I’m asking for your help: How do you manage to eat right in the face of exhaustion, sadness, or stress? If powerful emotions have sent you tumbling from the wagon, how do you pull yourself back on?
I can’t wait to hear from you, because heaven knows I could use some advice! I think 2015 has the potential to be a great year, but I may need a little help from my friends to turn the tide.
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I'm Lee, an RD thriving on a healthy plant based diet.
She will be missed dearly. And I too want to hear how people recover from grief eating. It’s just so easy and so effective a temporary distraction from the loss.
I know, WAY too effective. And yet not so effective all at the same time, sigh.
What a tough month! Hugs to you. Unfortunately, I don’t have any super tips to get past deep hurt eating. When I have had emotional times, sometimes I just give myself permision to eat the junk for a short time and then remind myself that by taking care of myself I will be able to handle the stress a bit better.
Thanks Melissa, it really helps to know how you’ve coped. I think instead of just focusing on foods that taste great but don’t exactly support my health, as you suggest I’ll try to start taking better care of myself. (So much easier said than done!) And not just working out, which I’m finally doing again, but also easing back into doing things I love without guilt–like blogging on Veggie Quest. 🙂 And I will hold onto the reminder that self-care = better stress (and grief) management. I may make that my new mantra…
Oh Lee, my heart goes out to you and your husband over the loss of Tippy. As a dog person, I know all too well what that is like. They ARE part of the family, period. I know lots of people don’t want to do this, but what worked for me was to get another dog. This is going to sound wierd, but I felt that our golden retriever’s spirit when she passed actually wanted to help me find another dog. I listened to that guidance, and with the help of a dear vet friend, I found Romeo. I know now it’s likely I’ll be a dog owner for the rest of my life. One doesn’t replace the other, they are all individual, but just having a dog who can help me walk more and be such a great companion is something i don’t want to miss out on. So maybe some day you and your husband will be ready for another dog.
About eating to fill the void, it doesn’t work. And as one commenter already said, eating better helps one handle the stress of the grief better. I still like my comfort foods though, so I make extra of the ones that are allowed and let myself indulge. Why not make yourself that wonderful chocolate pie you came up with or something like that? Or devote some time to what would both taste good and help you FEEL good too. It’s not easy and no one’s perfect, but be kind to yourself, and take good care of yourself as you can. You’ve been through a lot.
xoxo
Maria
Thanks Maria, I really appreciate your heartfelt response. It so helps to know that someone else gets what we’re going through, although I’m sorry you’ve been through it yourself! I’m not sure Jeff and I are ready for another dog yet–I can’t yet imagine sharing our life with a dog that isn’t Tippy–but I also understand not wanting to be without such wonderful, warm companionship. I’m sure we’ll be ready for another dog at some point, but for now, I just can’t quite get my head around the idea. I’m so glad you found Romeo, though; a good dog is truly a blessing.
And you and Melissa are both right about eating to fill the void. It just doesn’t work, and actually makes it harder to cope, because the discomfort of eating junk food only adds to the pain of grief. I’m not so much good at having compassion for myself, but I might try it on for size. That and maybe a slice of [healthier!] chocolate silk pie…
Oh Lee I am so sorry about Tippy. I can only imagine what that must have been and continues to be like for you. I’m in the same boat as you – pup and no kids, my heart hurts for your loss 🙁
As someone who has definitely struggled with eating her feelings (and still does…), my biggest advice to you is to be kind to yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself. Being harshly critical of our eating styles just sets us up for failure and for myself personally, sets me up to go on a little junk binge. It helps me when I journal how I’m feeling about things as I’m getting my emotions out there and I recognize and embrace them. Once you’ve stepped past the guilt of not eating quite as healthy as you’d like, start setting small goals for yourself. Try cutting out one thing from your list of “bad” foods. Try this for a week – don’t cut it out completely, but try going without it for a week and telling yourself that it’s temporary but that you want to cut back on it. Doing this helps me. And something I still struggle with is trying not to label food as good or bad as that helps us eat things more in moderation.
*hugs* to you my friend. Be gentle and give yourself time to heal.
Thanks Kimmy, it makes such a difference to know that someone understands. As for so many women, being kind to myself throughout the recovery process hasn’t come easily. (Why is that?) So I’m working on being a little gentler with myself. I agree with you that I should get back to journaling; you’re not the only one to suggest it to me, and it’s definitely been helpful in the past. Thankfully (knock on wood) I’m back on the rails with what I’m eating, and I’m focusing on really enjoying my healthy foods. Of course, having pain from my less-than-ideal choices has been motivating. :-/ But maybe it’s not all bad to have my body give me a heads-up, you know? Anyhow, thanks for your wise and compassionate suggestions–I can always count on you for good advice!
Wising you comfort and blessings in remembering the love you gave to Tippy.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing a story of love.
I have some thoughts that I hope will be helpful.
The practice of Transcendental Mediation can be very balancing and it can give you a daily practice of releasing stress.
Acupuncture can be extremely helpful in balancing the body and mind and “resets” your whole body and consciousness.
A chiropractic technique called “B.E.S.T.” Is extremely helpful also. Can offer amazing healing and release the root causes of health issues.
Dr. Bob Somes in Houston has testimonies on utube.
I wish you all the best .
Sensitivity can be a beautiful gift and you must be mindful to love yourself. 💕
Hi Jan, thanks for your kind words and your suggestions. I practice mindfulness meditation on an occasional basis, but have never tried transcendental meditation. I will check out the B.E.S.T. technique, too–life is always tumultuous it seems, and I’m for anything that can help me flex with the winds of change.
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